On the Brink of Falling Apart

Have not updated for a while, one reason is because I have not played poker for a while, another is that I have been slacking off in just about everything else in life.

I am really disappointed at myself, I have reached uncharted territory of sucking in school. My classes are all really easy besides EE 115B, yet I have been doing so bad on homeworks and just in general that is giving me a sense of urgency and panic that I might actually not pass.. Yea.. if all 4 classes end today, I FAIL all 4 of them.. This is something I have never faced before. I usually do ver well on homeworks and hit above the curve on exams to keep a A-/B+ average or sometimes, once in a while, I have a good day and do well on a test.. It's been the story of my college life, never exceptional but always above average with occasional brilliance.. Yet somehow this quarter, with a relatively light schedule, I am fumbling and stumbling, barely keeping my knees off the ground, trying not to be buried..

The most noticable exception is my math class, one of the easiest class for EE students, a GPA booster, yet I have BOTTOMed every single one of the hwk so far.. not just below average. Literall last 3 out of a class with 40 students.. I feel rediculous and ashamed, but more importantly profoundly puzzled. You are going to tell me that 24 people get perfect score out of 40 and I get a 65%?! THat has happened 3 times now.. I know I have been rather careless with the homeworks because they are so easy but I DID NOT DO THAT BAD compare to everyone else.. I just do not believe it, I still will not believe it until I see my homeworks tom..

I have 9 hwks, each worth 4.3% of total grade, that is a lot, they total to how much the midterm worth.. I get to drop 2, so I am stuck with one bad score already and that is assuming I do absolutely perfect on the REST. PERFECT IT IS. I shall put all pride aside and do WHATEVER it takes to make the next 6 homework right, I simply cannot afford to take such a big hit in a catagory where everyone gets perfect in.. I cannot afford it

The same story with my other classes, carelessness - not when doing the homework, but rather carelessness in general, not caring, lack of motivation.. This has to stop.

I do not think I have ever feel as determined as I feel right now to make a good quarter for myself, I will start caring and start doing shits right and I will give my maximum effort for remaining of the quater to make up for the damage of unprecedented slacking off I put on in the first 4 weeks..
Hopefully.. it's not too late..

I just wanted to get this out of my system.. I will make things right.. This is simply unacceptable and too embarrassing.. I really do not know what has gone wrong, that every CLASS is falling on me.. but I just have to make it right .. no excuses

School is not the only thing that I have not been focusing on, I have not started applying for internship.. I think I am kinda late, I still am deciding between going back to China and taking some GRE and GMAT classes or staying here for an internship.. but I think if I can somehow get into a good internship program that pays well and will surely teach me a lot, I will have to stay in the states.. But THOSE THINGS DO NOT JUST fall from the sky, Bill Gates isnt knocking on my door tom. to offer me an internship, I have to take the initiative and look for one..
This is another thing that has to be done right.

I have also been slacking off in terms of working out and being healthy, I have not worked out in 2 weeks and am probably in the worst shape in the past 2 years, I NEED to start working out and doing some exercise again, it makes me feel healthier and stronger.

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On the brighter side of things:

1. I have just logged in one of my best session in poker, 250 dollars in 2 hours. I claimed the EP bonus in a total of 5.5 hours. I deposited 600, cashed out 1050 - THAT IS POKER BABY, in case you are slow at math like I have been, that's ~80 dollars per hour. I really have not been playing that much poker either, only like 8 hours in the past week, the other 2.5 hours I spent at interpoker trying to claim their bonus ( I have 280 dollars there) but I ended up losing more than half of my bankroll and was unable to continue.. I really do not want to go back to that site :( So in 8 hours, I am really only up 250, Again, that's poker..

2. Lian and I have been past our first month mark for a bit now, Chinese New Years is coming up, Valentines day too, seems like the only positive thing in my life right now..

3. Boners doing well in IM basketball, even thought all of our individual ability probably lessened a bit due to being out of shape and playing much less than last year.. (except Augie), we are playing more like a team and playing smarter.. but still too early to say, we have not played a very strong opponent yet.

To conclude my blog:

I need to get shits together..