Painful. Straight painful

It has been a long time since last update, I have a lot to say, hope I can get it all out here.

It has just occurred to me that I have only worked out once since my 225lbs accomplishment. Now that is real slacking off, I probably cannot even bench 200 now, I feel myself getting weaker and less fit by the minute, I really have to start working out again instead of being a lazy ass all the time. The saddest thing of all is that I have not balled in 3 weeks, that is truly astounding, I cannot remember the last time I did not ball for a span of three weeks in college other than the time I sprained my ankle. This is perhaps an effect of apartment life.. and also living far away from campus; however I still would like to try to ball at least once per week :(

School is not as bad as my last entry made it seem, I have done absolutely no work since my midterm exam, but before that I was cramming like crazy.. I caught a cold and was feeling the stress the whole week when I had 3 midterms and one lab report due, but I pulled through. Razavi's class is really hard, this is one of the first class in UCLA where I feel a little powerless, I feel that even if I had studied 10 times harder than I did, I still would not have been able to do that midterm with ease. Maybe there is simply a limit to how much I can grasp, there is a limit to which I can push myself against, only to be disappointed that I can never exceed it, I do not know if I have ever truly touched on that limit, the very best my intelligence can achieve; perhaps it would be good to try some day before college ends.. hopefully a class that can strike the amount of interest needed to motivate me beyond simply "getting by".

On the brighter note, perhaps the most joyful news of the past couple of weeks.. I rank 8/112 in my EE 103 class! Wow, I have never ranked that high after midterm since EE2 and I have never scored that high in rank in midterm EVER. I would like to believe that it was not entirely luck although a pretty good argument can be made. I mean I went to that class a grand total of 3 times out of 10 and I copied one of three homework assignments while only studying for three hours before the exam.. Not to mention I was late to the test because of the stupid bus. But since I have gotten this far, it would be extremely disappointing if I do not end up with an A in this class, I will try my best.

I learned a few new dishes in the past couple of weeks, I need to learn how to make more exotic dishes.. or those super hard dishes that can truly define a great chef, my next goal is to gather a list of those dishes and attempt them.

One week ago, I almost had 2003 Acura TL 320 type-S driven to my apartment, I already had my checkbook out and everything was ready for a sale! Except the seller flaked in the last minute and I am again in waiting mode for another car. I saw BMW 745Li today, wow that car is sweet, I need to make some money to get it though...

Speaking of money, it leads to the main topic of the day.. the cause of the pain that I am feeling.. Yes it is poker.

I started playing again. Although I wanted to feel even more prepared this time depositing than ever before, I was pretty confident that I have developed into a better player, besides I only deposited a very small amount just to play around. I quickly took my puny bankroll from 150 to 350 in less than a week before hitting the recent slump. I have bubbled 6 out of 7 SNG (4th place) at oce stretch, I also was playing bad/scared many times. I made some very bad calls that cost me lots of money. I lost all the profit I gained in the first couple of days back and then some. All in all, I am just not playing my best. Even in one of my best tourny, 10 dollar multi NLHE, the tourny I made money the first 3 out of 4 tries and final table once, I have been busting out that tourny very quickly.. almost in embarrassing fashions. That really bothers me because I feel like I have lost the edge. In the most recent tourny, I made an incredibly stupid play that absolutely made me want to reflect on my game.
I question if I have improved as a player. I believe I have, after reading up on many poker stuff, I can read people and logically reason out people's hands better than I ever could before. But my problem is that I am not following my read ! Also, I do not always reason the hand before making a move, some moves are based purely on emotion and instinct when all logics are against it. After all, there are a few simple facts I know, the first one is that there are some very bad players and another one is that most players play their card a certain, straighup way that is so easy to discern. Why.. THEN.. am I still making plays on impulse?

Granted that I have had some horrible luck on the bubble as well as in bigger tournaments in the past week, but as I reflect about how I have played, there are always some room for improvement, but somehow I feel like I am not improving even though I know what to IMPROVE on...

This last part is what really bothers me. I know it takes longer than a week to truly improve; but it still makes me wonder if I got what it takes. It is one thing to be able to beat a game when you are playing well, but the harder thing to do is MAKING sure you are indeed playing well. Sadly, I lack the ability to play well all the time, I also lack the ability to be able to MAKE myself to play well when I know I am not.. Until I learn those things.. maybe it is best to stay away from a game that seems so lucrative.. yet so demanding ..